Dan Erwin

The New Longevity Fitness

By the time you’re thirty-years-old or more, you’re going to need a well-educated exercise training coach. It would be really helpful in high school, but we’re a long way from that level of enlightenment. Without that expertise, your exercise is liable to be far less impactful over time. At best, you’ll just be doing some maintenance work, not the cutting-edge stuff focused on a healthy longevity.

Why do I say this? I’ve been working out with coaches for about a dozen years. Over that time period, I ‘ve worked with four different people. Three of them had to be instructed, as best I could, into personal needs. And though I’d read through plenty of books and watched others work out, I had no full sense of what an 80 or 90-year-old needed, much less the ability to focus on these needs.

And then I found a grad-school-educated exercise coach.

Some of the stuff I’ve learned about my body over the years was just plain inaccurate. Almost useless. Why? I really didn’t know what I was looking for to stay fully active. Furthermore, I didn’t understand my body enough to make an accurate decision about what’s really useful. In fact, if I’d found out what was useful, I lacked the knowledge of form as well as the diagnostic ability to know when the behavior was on target and when not. Even more seriously, I lacked the knowledge to assess a personal coach’s expertise.

Milestones of Growth Fostering Relationships

Every person who intends to exert leadership in his personal life, in business or any other vocation—even in the family--will intentionally focus on personal growth. In my field, research has shown us that effective business leadership growth inevitably requires mentors. Though true, that notion is plainly an understatement. The fact is that all living and all development takes place only with relationships. To put it still more directly, we experience growth because of our connections to other people. I can go through my years since grade school and well into my sixties, and still point to people that changed my life, impacts that would have to be considered as turning points, even milestones—a significant change in my life. Change that would never have happened without those connections.

The underpinnings of growth are inevitably acts of creativity built on relationships. Virginia Woolf puts it this way: Masterpieces (turning points and milestones) are not single and solitary births; they are the outcome of thinking in common, of thinking by a body of the people, so that the experience of the mass is behind the single voice. In his extensive and enlightening work, Ronald Burt points out accountability "flows through the formal organization of authority relations. Everything else flows through the informal--advice, coordination, cooperation, friendship, gossip, knowledge, trust." And that "people who have relations that span the . . . holes between people have a vision advantage in detecting and developing good ideas." 

I still have a lot of memory about my first real growth experience, a phenomenally unique milestone of detecting and developing new ideas while only in the 7th grade. The experience was actually initiated by a civics teacher, Mr. Fickes, a teacher whom I thought was pretty dumb.

Sorry Counselor. Negotiating Boundaries Is What’s Needed.

Not setting boundaries.

What's the difference? Is it substantial? Or are they just two words for the same thing? And does it really matter? Prior to the 1950s, they would have been just two words for the same thing. That is, if anyone ever used the term “negotiating” boundaries. The practice of “negotiating” boundaries comes primarily out of the 1980s with the flattening of business hierarchies and the strong orientation to women’s rights. With the exception of sales negotiation, it was rare to talk about negotiating relationships until the mid-1980s. And since then, there have been tons of research and some training solely in the practice of negotiating interpersonal boundaries. In simple terms, setting boundaries is one individual determining boundaries for others. Negotiating boundaries is two or more creating a workable agreement on the boundaries between them.

So, there’s a significant difference between setting and negotiating boundaries. Major business leaders as well as many community leaders recognize these differences even without distinguishing between the two terms. But, ask the right questions and they can clarify immediately. I’ve learned, sadly, that these same professionals are typically incapable of using the negotiation competence in their family. Shifting competencies from one context to another without training is highly problematic—even for top business school grads. Similarly, lower-level bureaucrats, patriarchal families, pastors, the Roman and Evangelical churches, small and medium-sized privately held owner-firms lack insight to the distinctions and sometimes have a lot of resistance on their hands as a result of their ignorance.

Propositional versus Non-Propositional Swearing

Back on June 11, I posted a blog affirming that swearing is good for you, information that was drawn from Emma Byrne's book ("Swearing Is Good For You")--and personal experience. In that post I narrated my occasional strategic swearing and commented on its extreme usefulness. Part of the reason I'm so fascinated by the subject is that my rare experience of swearing around Pietists drove them nuts and they just didn't know how to deal with me as a result. So I suspect there are a lot more than religious pietists who also misunderstand swearing--even though it's a regular occurrence in many forms throughout the American culture and workplace.

To gain a better understanding of swearing, here's a bit more information. The beginning place is to understand that scientists and linguists make a distinction between propositional and non-propositional swearing. The distinction is useful.

Why Read?

I've always wanted to say something very direct when an acquaintance or a client asked why I read so much, but I used to be a bit too cautious to verbalize my real beliefs out loud. But if a prominent, knowledgeable person  supports my beliefs publicly, I'll happily repeat them. I have, however, gotten to the place over the past ten years when someone asks why I read the NYTimes, The Economist, a cutting-edge book like the brilliant work of retired Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer(subtitled "Why I Chose Pragmatism Not Textualism" [originalism])  or any top magazine or journal, I can be fairly direct. It usually comes out like, "look, there's no way you can become intelligently aware of what's going on in this world unless you read the Times or the New Yorker and The Economist." That's true whether or not you agree with the writer.

But here's General Mattis verbalizing my actual beliefs in the context of the military: If you haven't read hundreds of books, you are functionally illiterate and you will be incompetent because your personal experiences alone aren't broad enough to sustain sustain you. Any commander who claims he is "too busy to read" is going to fill body bags with his troops as he learns the hard way.

But here's General Mattis verbalizing my actual beliefs in the context of the military: If you haven't read hundreds of books, you are functionally illiterate and you will be incompetent because your personal experiences alone aren't broad enough to sustain sustain you. Any commander who claims he is "too busy to read" is going to fill body bags with his troops as he learns the hard way.

How to Live to Become a Healthy Ninety-Year Old

I just turned a very healthy 89 years old. What’s intriguing about it are all the questions I get. At least eight or ten times over the past four months, people have asked about my  age. After being asked that often, I’m a bit “ho hum” about it. What’s the big deal? Another day. Another year.

On a couple of  occasions, I set up my audience to ask my age in order to make a point. But the rest of the questions were out of the blue. On my trip to Italy early this year, observing my active stance, a number of young people asked my age. One tourist, an athletic trainer from Ireland, had my picture taken with him standing beside me to show to his father, a seventy-year-old who’s “not taking care of himself."

But surprisingly, as soon as I respond to the request about my age, no matter the conversation, it turns immediately to one question: “How did you do that?”

How We Unknowingly Sabotage Our Own Conversation

    Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. From “The Princess Bride” by William Goldman.

More and more the role of conversation in business is beginning to get attention among businesspeople and the professions. There are a number of reasons for that. But the most important reason is that without effective, enlightening and articulate conversation skills, professionals get ignored. Including professionals with top competencies in their field.

Just a short time ago, I was in a group of professionals discussing the role of artificial intelligence. I noticed, much to my chagrin, one of the brightest guys was often ignored. So I turned on my rhetorical talk-ware to understand why.

In just a few minutes I figured out why: he was sabotaging his ideas with “hedging.” Amazing that hedging can result in power loss, but there it was, right in front of us. And I’m certain he was totally unaware of what his hedging was doing to him and his ideas.

Sometimes hedging is just a verbal tic. But a significant group of generally smart professionals periodically shoot themselves in the foot with its use. They can resolve a problem, break it down into bits and pieces for a solid resolution--and even explain their rationale. But along the way their input loses its credibility for a simple reason: hedging. They don’t understand that hedges limit their credibility.

It’s not just the overly-polite Upper Midwesterners who hedge, but New Yorkers, Virginians and even Californians. Furthermore, it’s not just women who do it: a surprising share of men do the same thing. This small behavior happens too frequently—and inevitably means...we miss out on great ideas and highly creative solutions. And the guy who hedges, gets ignored.

What’s hedging?
A hedge can take different forms. It can be in the shape of a clause, word, hesitation or tone--used to soften the impact of what’s being said. It may be an attempt to defer to the other person, to be polite or avoid bragging. The original motivation for hedging stems from caring about how one is perceived. Over the long term the hedge becomes habituated—and unconscious. And the hedge is habituated into the person’s speech and sound even when there is no concern about another’s perceptions. The response? A tune-out.

“This is kind of the way I think it is.”  The tone in the hedge is usually soft with a sense of questioning built into the sound. The hedge? “Kind of.”

“This is right?” The intonation on the last word is a question with built-in pleading for agreement and acceptance. It’s an unnecessary and destructive caveat.

The Upside of Career Flip-Flopping

“A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do.” Emerson

Given all the deception and obvious dissembling by politicians, government officials and intellectual leaders, I’m beginning to get the notion from opinion writers that changing your mind is an immoral act. I’ve changed my mind over the years on a number of issues, so if you know me you just might think that I’m writing this blog to do some CYA work. That’s not at all the case. Fact of the matter if you check a number of my blogs, you’ll notice that I’ve made a number of significant career changes over the years around a number of issues: politics, relationships, religion. And I’m presently in my third or fourth career change, depending on how you count them. My thinking goes something like this: “I’ve climbed that mountain. How about something more challenging?” And I've always found such changes to be delightful. Building a new world can be just great fun and very meaningful.

So, I’ve always preferred George Bernard Shaw’s orientation rather than Emerson’s. Shaw is much more philosophical and thoughtful: “Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

Consistency
In career development, it’s usually the little things that derail a manager or exec. Thus, I typically focus on granular career issues. For example. . .

When My Conclusion Was Dead Wrong

As a research-based consultant, I’m used to getting my ideas tweaked by new research. After all, I think of myself as a fairly flexible, open guy, so a small adjustment to my theories and ideas is usually illuminating. But unknown to Harvard’s Rosabeth Kanter, she took a Shillelagh, a big club to one of my big ideas. Her blog, Why running a family doesn’t help you run a business, knocked me back on my heels. And I yelled a silent Aaargh!, knowing full well that she was quite correct and I was quite wrong. So there, I admitted it Prof Kanter.

Kanter lays out her case with panache, acknowledging the conventional wisdom first. Here’s her argument:

In theory, those years of family work at home could look great on a resume. Consider the skills required: setting priorities, training others, organizing complex logistics and schedules, and using interpersonal sensitivity to handle difficult people problems. Indeed, some advocates have argued that the time women--and sometimes men--with advanced degrees spend out of the workplace managing a family is valuable experience for managing back in the paid work world. 

I agree it is valuable experience — if the paid job one returns to involves managing a handful of people who are vulnerable and can't leave. Otherwise, the operating skills for family manager are nothing like the qualifications for workplace professionals.

Her reasoning and evidence that follows are flawless—and quite correct.

Suffice it to say, that I’ve taught the very opposite and spent time preaching to the choir of empty nest women wanting back into the workforce.

To err is human
Yet I’m certain that most of us go through life assuming and even insisting that we are right about everything. And that includes stuff from the origins of the universe to how to load the dishwasher. That’s why Moliere’s comment is spot on: It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I’m right.

But I’ve figured out why, primarily, I’ve wanted so badly to be right. It was all about my allegiances and the narratives I’d built around them.

WYSIATI
In his fascinating book, The Black Swan, Nassim Taleb introduces the idea of narrative fallacy to describe how flawed stories of the past shape our view of the world—and our expectations for the future. I have three daughters, all of whom were raised to be professionals just like their mother. Inevitably, as a father of smart daughters, I experienced male chauvinists who drove me nuts. After all, every father wants his best for his daughters, and their achievement was always tops in my priority list.

So, for instance, when my youngest was a high school freshman, I found myself in a teacher conference that raised my ire. Her male math teacher rather pointedly said, “Kris does very well in math, especially for a girl.” Knowing that her husband was about to become slightly volatile, my wife kicked me under the table, got my eye and essentially said (nonverbally) “cool it.” But you get the point. And so in later life, after having kids, they went back into the workforce rather successfully. Clearly, because of my family allegiances I got caught up in the narrative fallacy about mothers going back to work and began to preach it.

The narrative fallacy
The narrative fallacy is a decision error that most of us make largely because we are gripped by the illusion of understanding. As Daniel Kahneman explains them, they arise inevitably from our continuous attempt to make sense of the world. And inevitably also, the explanatory stories that people find compelling are simple: are concrete rather than abstract; assign a larger role to talent, stupidity , and intentions than to luck; and focus on a few striking events that happened rather than on the countless events that failed to happen. 

Turning Points and Milestones of Growth-Fostering Relationships

Every person who intends to exert leadership in his personal life, in business or any other vocation—and even in the family--will intentionally focus on personal growth. Research has shown us that effective business leadership growth inevitably requires mentors. Though true, that notion is plainly inadequate. The fact is that all living and all development takes place only with relationships. To put it still more directly, we experience growth because of our connections to other people. I can go through my years since grade school and well into my sixties, and still point to people that changed my life, impacts that would have to be considered as turning points and often milestones. Change that would never have happened without those connections.

 

The underpinnings of growth are inevitably acts of creativity built on relationships. Virginia Woolf puts it this way: Masterpieces (turning points and milestones) are not single and solitary births; they are the outcome of thinking in common, of thinking by a body of the people, so that the experience of the mass is behind the single voice.  

I still have a lot of memory about my first real growth experience, a phenomenally unique milestone while only in the 7^th grade. I’ll explain later why the experience was so important, why I remember so many details, and what it did for me. To begin, the experience was initiated by a civics teacher, Mr. Fickes, a teacher whom I thought was pretty dumb. I opened my mouth too often and after one episode he chewed me out, telling me I’d be in the “insane asylum by the time I finished high school.” Shortly after that experience, the chair of the social science department, Dr. Arthur, a very impressive intellect, and a delightful woman with sparkling eyes and a Michigan PhD, took seven top students out of the class and created a seminar group on civics for us. Fickes did not return the following year.