One of my young friends recently related to me that his girlfriend had left him because the relationship was "too codependent." He wondered whether he could reconcile. I rolled my eyes and commented "probably not." She had implied that he was toxic and that the relationship could not continue. I doubted the labeling because I knew him rather well and had worked with him on several projects. In addition, I knew he wasn't using drugs. Furthermore, I also knew that counselor misdiagnoses were at the 60-80% error level. Even the physician level of error, with blood tests and imaging is at least 40%. A med school faculty friend of mine was surprised. He thought the medical level of error would be more than that. But anyway, knowing my extensive psychological background in personality theory and social psychology, my young friend asked about the codependency theory and therapy.
Codependency is one of those very popular self-help movements that, though providing enough support for people to feel good and try on a number of personas for a short time, is ultimately damaging and harmful. That statement won't go down well with thousands of people, but it's true anyway--and there's lots of research that comes up with the same conclusion. The thinking of some is that since it's a very popular approach, it must be good. Popularity is rarely a basis for validating much. Sugared cola drinks are very popular, as are cigarettes, but millions of people suffer horrible, physical diseases as a result of their use.
These codependency "experts" offer counseling that goes something like this: Your happiness is something that should come from within you and should not be dependent on your lover or mate. In effect, these "experts" pathologize love and caring. So your well-being is not your partner's responsibility and their well-being is not your responsibility. Furthermore, you should not let your inner peace be disturbed or undermined by the person you are close to. If you can't do that, there might be something wrong with you. You might be too enmeshed with the other person, so you must learn to set better boundaries. You should be able to distance or, if necessary, separate yourself from the other person....
The basic assumption of the theory is that the ideal relationship is one "between two self-sufficient people who unite in a mature respectful way while maintaining clear boundaries. If you develop a strong dependency on your partner, you are deficient in some way and are advised to work on yourself to become more differentiated and develop a greater sense of self. The worst possible scenario is that you will ending up needing your partner, which is equated to addiction. . . and addiction we all know is a dangerous prospect."
Although the original use of the therapy is very helpful for families in which there is substance abuse (the original intention of the therapy), it can be misleading and damaging when applied to all relationships.
The Biological Truth
The simple truth is that dependency is a fact not a choice or a preference. Once we attach to a partner, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing and the levels of hormones in our blood. Research by Coan, Davidson and Schaefer demonstrates that when two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other's psychological and emotional well-being. This does not mean that we need to be joined with our partner at the hip or give up aspects of our life such as our careers or friends. The paradox of dependency is that if you find the right person to depend on, you will be able to act more independently. To a lesser degree that's true in close friendships, too. In sum, dependency is not a bad word. Those we depend on can provide a secure base for creativity and success.
See especially:
Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find--and keep--love. (New York: TarcherPerigee), 2011.
Critiques of codependency:
Sandra Anderson, A critical analysis of the concept of codependency: https://bit.ly/2CbZHwG
Wendy Kaminer, Chances are you're codependent too, NYTimes: https://nyti.ms/2ITGCAZ
Robert Weiss, Can we please stop pathologizing the desire to love and care? https://bit.ly/2NAkL29