One of my young friends recently related to me that his girlfriend had left him because the relationship was "too codependent." He wondered whether he could reconcile. I rolled my eyes and commented "probably not." She had implied that he was toxic and that the relationship could not continue. I doubted the labeling because I knew him rather well and had worked with him on several projects. In addition, I knew he wasn't using drugs. Furthermore, I also knew that counselor misdiagnoses were at the 60-80% error level. Even the physician level of error, with blood tests and imaging is at least 40%. A med school faculty friend of mine was surprised. He thought the medical level of error would be more than that. But anyway, knowing my extensive psychological background in personality theory and social psychology, my young friend asked about the codependency theory and therapy.
Codependency is one of those very popular self-help movements that, though providing enough support for people to feel good and try on a number of personas for a short time, is ultimately damaging and harmful. That statement won't go down well with thousands of people, but it's true anyway--and there's lots of research that comes up with the same conclusion. The thinking of some is that since it's a very popular approach, it must be good. Popularity is rarely a basis for validating much. Sugared cola drinks are very popular, as are cigarettes, but millions of people suffer horrible, physical diseases as a result of their use.
These codependency "experts" offer counseling that goes something like this: Your happiness is something that should come from within you and should not be dependent on your lover or mate. In effect, these "experts" pathologize love and caring. So your well-being is not your partner's responsibility and their well-being is not your responsibility. Furthermore, you should not let your inner peace be disturbed or undermined by the person you are close to. If you can't do that, there might be something wrong with you. You might be too enmeshed with the other person, so you must learn to set better boundaries. You should be able to distance or, if necessary, separate yourself from the other person....