He that has eyes to see and ears to hear may convince himself that no mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his finger tips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore. Sigmund Freud
Leave it to Freud to pick up the negative side of nonverbal listening. Still, his point that skin and finger tips talk is quite correct. There are plenty of businessmen and women, who when angry or embarrassed, turn red on their neck or face. Few of us miss the meaning of tapping fingertips on a conference table or a voice that has become shaky with tension or anger.
Most of the natives in the Upper Midwest are well aware that the nonverbal of silence when in advocacy or persuasive settings usually means no. Those of us who are national consultants know that silence may mean yes in New York. Not even God knows what silence means in California. You've always got to check it out in Los Angeles.
Nonverbal messages are even more difficult than verbal messages to interpret correctly. Nonverbal messages, unlike verbal messages, are not sequential. The nonverbal is not logically ordered. Furthermore, nonverbal messages are often involuntary or uncontrolled. Finally, the same expression, such as a smile or crossed arms, can be indicative of widely different emotions.
FYI: Checking out nonverbal messages is rarely done in business settings, and should be initiated in less threatening settings, such as in one-on-one conversations. Not only you, but also your recipients need to get used to the process. Once you've had 20 to 30 experiences of checking out, you will be familiar with most of the "unexpected" responses of recipients. Then you can move to team settings where there are no hierarchical differences, and eventually to hierarchical settings. Better managed companies are gradually getting used to transparency in their relationships--an experience necessitated by the intense competition of today's marketplace. Although early experiences can be tense, checking out nonverbals will add to your reputation as a "No B.S." professional--a highly valuable reputation in most organizations.
Research indicates that nonverbal accuracy rates are less than 50%, even with married people or those who have worked together for years. For that reason, when dealing with important business matters, you'd be wise to check out your nonverbal interpretations through this three-step process:
- Tell the other person what you saw her do and heard her say that leads you to your conclusion.
- Tell her what meaning you have tentatively attached to her nonverbal actions.
- Ask her if your conclusion is correct.
For example:
- "You just said you liked this project, but you frowned. Would it be right to say there are pluses and minuses to what you're doing?"
- "You said you had time to discuss my project timelines, but you keep looking at your watch. Would you like me to come at a better time tomorrow?"
Remember that most people are inaccurate most of the time. In other words, "how to read a person like a book" is pure baloney. Even though I have extensive graduate education and training in nonverbal, if the business issue is significant, I always check out the meaning of a cue. Better safe than sorry.